Breathe in.........breathe out.........
For some reason ( probably related to Auntie flow coming around the mountain) I awoke this morning feeling ..... perturbed.
I put the dogs out, made my coffee and turned on cartoons for the kiddies who are always awake by 5 am. They know they aren't allowed to talk to me until my coffee is gone, but then they ask me every two minutes if my coffee is gone yet.
I'm sitting on the couch watching Curious George do something that's supposed to be cute, but would piss me off to no end in reality. I can see my dusty spinning wheel sitting alone in a corner next to my hoops and a violin case covered in dust bunnies the size of Jack rabbits.
I let out a breath. Where did I go? I wasn't prepared for the double life one must lead when becoming a stay at home parent. I was looking forward to KY new identity as Mom. The great and wonderful woman who kisses booboos and bakes Brownies for the cub scout group.
What I didn't realize is how much I would miss the version of me I allowed myself to give up. I know not all people who choose to stay home andraise their families change so drastically, but I did.
I wonder to myself, " holy crap! What if Lover dies tomorrow? !? I've given up my career for my kids! How will I support them!??"
I used to be a rather social individual. Very open and outspoken. I didn't go out much but I went out a hell of a lot more than I do now. And because I " did stuff" I had something other than my kids to talk about.
I guess things have gotten a bit worse because of the move. Lover is gone an extra two hours a day and I get no breaks from Mace, my very hyper active emotional little 4 year old.
Its difficult to think about the future. I can't mesh my reality with who I want to be, who I SHOULD be.
Oh its hard, this whole staying at home thing. Lack of close friends and family for socializing and help is a kick in the pants!
And to make matters worse and more confusing, my kids are getting older. So while one part of my brain is scream YES! A little bit of independence! The other part is saying what the hell am I going to do!?!
The day will Co
E when they no longer want me around. They'll have girlfriends ( shutter) to speak their woes to. And I will once again have to try to figure out my new identity.
Dang! It can't be all that dramatic! Right?
On the upside I wont have to take a bath in a stinky bathroom because a child " just had to go" and couldn't wait ten more minutes.
Yes. Its gross.
And romance? What the heck is that!?!! I remember a fun Flirty me. Very Flirty. I didn't really date. I went from one long relationship right into the one I'm in now (9 years), but man could I flirt.
I go to bed at 8 ( and that's sometimes a struggle) and my current idea of flirting...
Well honestly I don't have one.
These are the things other moms forget to tell new moms. I personally think that's born from shame. Because nobody shares these little peaches of information everyone thinks that it must only be them and so obviously they must suck as a parent.
Have I mention the guilt thing yet? Guilty. About everything. Its not my kids fault I'm tired. It is.t their fault they're crazy and drive me nutso. But you k ow what? IT IS!
AND lets not forget about how spouses seem to drop off the radar. I'm home now so I'm responsible for everything. So if Lover can't find a matching pair of socks that's my fault ( not because lover lime to change shoes in car leaving socks I their too and I can't ever find them). I don't even OWN a pair of socks!
And I've gotten soooooo lazy...... in any job, monotony creates sloth. Who wants to do the same thing every single day all day? I know. Also my fault. Enter more guilt.
Okay. Bath water is officially cold. Kids want their lunch. The dogs want to go out and I need to hang the laundry and start the next load. Is that a goat at my window!?! Damn.
Consider hormone induced whiny rant over.